Then
he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced
him, weeping. And he kissed all his
brothers and wept over them. (Genesis 45: 14-15a)
But
while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with
compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed
him. (Luke 15:20)
These
two short passages of scripture—the first describing the climactic moment of
Joseph’s reconciliation with his brothers, the second from Jesus’ parable of
the lost son—convey powerful images that evoke a deep emotional response for
me, and many folks, to be sure. They are
like the moment of resolution and reconciliation we long for in good "two-hankie" movie,
that final scene that brings a lump to your throat and tears to your eyes.
In
both passages of scripture, the physical manifestation of forgiveness and
reconciliation is found in an uninhibited embrace (“he threw his arms around him”)
and a kiss. When forgiveness is freely
given and gratefully accepted, there is a reuniting, a joining together of two
people who have been broken apart. Arms
are wrapped around one another in a tight, warm, never-let-go hug. Tears are shed. The beloved is smothered in kisses. What can feel better than being enfolded in
the arms of a parent, a sibling, a partner, or a long-lost friend through reconciliation?
Forgiveness
ends the separation … those who were broken apart are tightly held together.
Why,
if forgiveness "feels so good," are we often so reluctant to give it?
Those
of us who have spent a good deal of time on the planet know that forgiveness is
far less often about “the other” than it is about the one who needs to do the forgiving. Sometimes, we just can't
imagine what life would be like without carrying the weighty burden of a
grudge. Around our necks and over our shoulders, we wear the heavy yoke of our
anger and bitterness about something someone said or did long ago like slow-moving oxen, lowing to anyone who is in earshot: "Poor
me! I am a victim! Feel sorry for me! Empathize, dammit!"
We
just can't imagine how good it would feel to come out from underneath the
weight.
Forgiving
others who have wronged us is hard.
Forgiving oneself for something in the past is another thing entirely.
In
his book, The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz writes: “The human is the only animal on earth that
pays a thousand times for the same mistake.
The rest of the animals pay only once for every mistake they make. But not us.
We have a powerful memory. We
make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish
ourselves.”
And
we do it again and again.
I
remember a powerful television moment from a few years back. Oprah Winfrey was interviewing a panel of
women who had made their ways back from some very dark places in their
pasts. One was a woman who, through a
series of very bad choices, had ended up in addiction and prostitution to
support her habit. Though she had
emerged from that hell, she was still a hollowed-out shell of a woman.
Oprah
sensed something needed to be opened up.
"How do you feel today?" she asked.
"I
feel used up. No matter what I do, I
just feel used up."
Oprah, realizing this was a moment of truth for the woman, left her place in the
audience and walked to the stage. She
put her hands on the woman's shoulders, very gently, and stood close to her, their
faces nearly touching. "You are not
used up," Oprah said. "I want
to hear you say that."
The
woman woodenly replied, "I am not used up."
"No,
say it like you believe it."
"I
am not used up," the woman replied, this time with more confidence, though
still unsure.
Then
Oprah said something I've remembered to this day. "All that happened--all of that is
something you did. That is not who you are. And when you know
better, you do better."
What
you did in the past is not who you are.
You could see the woman change physically in that moment…standing
taller, she seemed to grow before our eyes.
Yes,
forgiveness is hard, especially when it comes to forgiving yourself. But can you imagine how wonderful it would
feel to unburden yourself from the yoke of guilt, shame, and regret over
something in your past?
Imagine
how it would feel…
…to
throw your arms around the 10-year old version of yourself, and be forgiven of
an abuse you had no part in inflicting?
…to
weep with the 35-year old version of yourself, letting tears of forgiveness
wash away the regret for all the missteps you've made as a spouse or parent?
…to
smother the "you" of today with tender kisses to welcome you home
from the far country of shame and guilt?
Imagine that.
--Scott